Woe is Me

Since this is my blog, I can complain. For a little bit of a background of why I feel the way I do...it all started about four years ago. I was pregnant for the first time, working full time, and ate whatever I wanted. Mainly fast food and ice cream. I would get home from work exhausted and take a nap, and then have no energy to lift a finger. I gained 40 lbs with that pregnancy. Then two years later, I was pregnant for the 2nd time, and determined to learn from my mistakes. I ate really good, and tried to work out as much as I could during the week. I felt great, especially since I only gained about 25 lbs. After I had Xavier,a miraculous thing happened. All of the weight I gained, plus an additional 20 lbs seemed to fall off of me overnight. I weighed less than I did when I got married, and my body looked way different (having kids will do that). Everyone noticed...EVERYONE!!! I don't take compliments well...I tend to say something negative about myself when someone gives me a postive. But I didn't feel positive about my body. Santiago said it was because I didn't have to work at it, so I wasn't proud of myself. I began to be overobsessive about my weight...checking it every morning. When I was done nursing...all of the good stuff was gone...if you know what I mean. We started trying to get pregnant a few months before Xavier turned 1. I knew that when I was done with nursing, the weight would slowly start coming back. Been pregnant is a great excuse for the weight gain. Well, the winter holidays came and I gained about 2 lbs. You may be thinking that isn't much, but when I was weighing in at the same weight for months it is a big deal. I found out I was pregnant mid-Jan. A couple days before I knew, my body went on a eating overload. In one night I had burritos with tons of jalepenos and ranch, a whole bag of popcorn, and pickles. Weight gain that week, about 4 lbs. In my expert opinion, I think that my body was craving the calories that it needed for the baby. After the quick weight gain of course came the fear of gaining tons of weight again. I started going on my excercise bike (which I only do when pregnant). At seven weeks, I began spotting. This happened while I was pregnant with Xavier as well, so I wasn't too concerned at first. Then I noticed that it was darker this time and there was more of it. I went in to see my OB the next morning, and the baby appeared to be fine, but he still put me at a high risk for miscarriage. That mean't no excerise besides light walking till I was out of my first trimester. Every morning I weighed myself, so scared about gaining too much. Thankfully everything was fine with the baby. I was given the go ahead to start the bike again. I bought a double jogging stroller as well, and everyday I tried to do something. I felt great about myself. Fast forward to last Friday morning. I was feeding the boys breakfast, when I started having pain in my right foot. I have also been having bad headaches the whole pregnancy, so I just took some tylenol and didn't think much of it. Throughout the day the pain kept getting worse. I was barely able to walk to attend TIME OUT FOR WOMEN over the weekend. Because of the pain, I haven't been able to excerise the whole week, and the depression started sinking in. Finally today I went in to have it checked out. Since I cannot have xrays done, they can only possibly rule out a fracture. The doctor thinks it is either a pulled tendon or a sprain. They gave me an air cast to wear and I basically have to just wait it out. You may be thinking I just need to get over it. Maybe I do. But since I am partially disabled, that means basically seclusion for me and the boys in our house. It also means I have to be extra careful about what I eat, because nothing is getting burned off. Every woman, no matter what size or shape, is self conscious about her body. Since I rarely work out when I am not pregnant, it is very important for me to do it while I have the energy for it. Please don't judge me for sharing my little emotional distress...I just needed to vent it out. And don't think I am over obsessive about eating, or that I don't eat. I do, and there lies the problem! Or don't think I don't appreciate what I have, I am always recognizing the blessings I have in my life. I just feel a little "Woe is me" right now.