Motherhood

Since today is Mother's Day I thought I would write down some of my personal feelings about being a mother.  First of all, sometimes I get anxiety when I think of the fact that three little innocent souls are totally dependant upon me (and Santiago of course).   As they grow up, it's scary to think that my parenting decisions will have a huge impact on what kind of adult they will become.  Being a parent is hard...(yes, I'm sure my parents are happy to know I have admitted that).  Already at the end of some days I feel defeated., that somewhere I should've done better.  Or that there was a technique that I should've used that would make them actually clean or listen the first time.  Now, I'm not saying that I have bad kids, I of course think they are great.  But sometimes I just give into the pressure that they are suppose to behave a certain way.  My two boys are crazy.  Do they just sit at church and color quietly?  No.  Do I avoid looking at all of the older women just in case they are glaring at me? Yes.  I get flustered, embarrassed, worried about what others are thinking.  Yes, I chose to have three kids close together.   Were we crazy to do that?  I don't regret it one bit. 

They are such a huge blessing in my life.  Yes, my patience it tested every day, but it's all worth it.  They bring me such joy, and I can literally feel how full my heart is of love for them.  My biggest hope for them is that they grow up to be good people.  They don't have to be the smartest, most talented or athletic.  I just want someone to say, "That Isaiah is such a great man."    I just need to keep doing my best, and hope that it is enough!

Dear Isaiah,
You made me a mom.  I was terrified!  I don't know how I would've done it without your dads help.  Bringing you home from the hospital was the scariest thing I have ever done.  You didn't like me in the beginning.  Dad was the only one who could soothe you.  I cried in the shower a few days after I had you because I felt like I had already failed.  But then daddy had to go back to work and it was just me and you, and there was nothing else I could do but become a mother to you.  The first eight months of your life was so hard.  I didn't think I would survive with no sleep but I did.  You were crazy from the beginning and nothing has changed!  It was just me and you for two whole years, and you became my best friend.  You took awhile to talk and I felt like I had failed once again, but then I realized how smart you really were.  You are an amazing spirit!  You have a desire to learn and can comprehend things right away.  You love being the center of attention, and I know it's hard to share the spotlight with your brother and sister.  Don't worry, you will never be forgotten.  I know that I am too hard on you sometimes because I see your potential and I want you to reach it.  You are the oldest, so unfortunately some things are trial and error.  I told you today that you are so special because you were the one who made me a mom, but you are so special for so many other reasons.  Thank you for choosing me to be your mom.

Dear Xavier,
I was nervous to have another boy.  I didn't know if there was room for you in my heart, but I had you and we were kindred spirits from the start.  You only wanted me from the beginning, and I loved it.  We had a connection.  I was scared you would be crazy like your brother and not give me any sleep but you were better.  You were just so crazy in other ways, and still are!  Like moving across the living room and pulling yourself up at 5 months.  It only got worse!  You are a climber and a dare devil.  Like today when you jumped from the top of your play set onto the slide and fell off.  Almost gave me a heart attack!  You will be one of the crazy teenagers jumping off of bridges and stuff.  But even though you are crazy, you are my little sweetheart.  You tell me to cuddle with you, and I love on you as much as I can.  I probably baby you too much but there will come a day when you won't let me.  Being a little brother is hard...I am a little sister.  You get bossed around and can't do all of the things your brother can.  You get hand me downs and majority of the toys are Isaiah's.  But I know you love him so much.  You follow him around all day, and repeat everything he says.  I hope that you two will remain close as you grow older.  I hope that I will always be close to you.

Dear Samantha,
Before I even knew I was pregnant with you, your name was in my head constantly.  When I had the ultrasound and they told me you were a girl I had so many thoughts running through my head.  I had no idea what it would be like...I could not comprehend it!  I had so many boys things!  I loved my sons so much and I did not know how I would feel towards a daughter.  Preparing for you to come I was filled with both excitement and anxiety.  Your birth was hard but I held you for two hours after you were born and we bonded.  I wasn't nervous at all to bring you home...now I was a pro at this newborn thing.  You got colicky and had so much gas all of the time but we got through it.  You are such a happy baby now.  Everyone loves you and wants to hold you and it makes me so proud and I beam with joy. I didn't think I would do all of the bows and flowers with you but who I was kidding!  My biggest fear of having a daughter is not having a lasting friendship.  It's a hard line to follow of being a parent and a friend.  I hope I never embarrass you, but that you will trust me and want me to be a close part of your life.  I hope that I can raise you to see your divine nature and worth.  You are a precious daughter of God, and I don't want you to ever forget that.  I can't wait to get our nails done together and to hang out.  I still can't believe I have a daughter but I am so thankful that I do.


I did have a great Mother's Day. Santiago was so sweet and made breakfast and then dinner for my parents and us. he also made cute cards with the kids for me. He gave me a beautiful pearl necklace, bracelet and earrings set, plus let me go shopping for some much needed summer clothes. I felt loved and appreciated, so he did good!